Question: It appears that the institution of the family, which sustained our society for centuries, is experiencing increasing unrest. Family breakdown is becoming more common, and rising divorce rates seem to follow in its wake. What can be done to prevent this troubling trend and restore peace within the family?

Answer: To begin with, the disintegration of the family, which first became widespread in Western societies, has gradually spread to Muslim communities as well. Anatolia has not been immune to this trend, and divorce rates today are significantly higher than they were in the past. Indeed, statistical data clearly show how rapidly the family institution is weakening and fragmenting. Yet even without consulting statistics, anyone can reach the same conclusion by reflecting on the events we witness around us, our own life experiences, and our personal observations.

I, too, have witnessed many family crises among those around me over the years. Some friends came to me seeking guidance for the difficulties they were experiencing in their marriages, and I tried, to the best of my ability, to offer whatever advice I could.

The Family: The Epicenter of Social Breakdown

First of all, I would like to say that this situation deeply pains me and causes me serious concern. Whenever I see broken homes, people whose rights have been violated, and women who have been mistreated, I feel like sitting down and weeping. When a family experiences serious conflict or a marriage ends in divorce, both husband and wife suffer greatly. Love and compassion gradually give way to resentment and anger. Personal pride takes over, stubbornness intensifies, and feelings of revenge begin to grow. All of this drives people toward even greater mistakes.

Nor do the consequences remain confined to the couple themselves. Children are often the greatest victims, while relatives and the wider circle of family and friends are also negatively affected. More importantly, because the family is the fundamental building block of society, every home that falls apart contributes, little by little, to the gradual breakdown of society itself.

There is another important dimension to this issue. Married life is closely connected to our relationship with God and our life of worship. Through the marriage covenant, husband and wife assume mutual rights and obligations toward one another. Every mistake made within married life can become a sin for which we will be held accountable before God. If one is not careful, violations of the rights of others may also occur, opening the door to even more serious moral and spiritual consequences.

Can anyone with a conscience remain unmoved by such a picture? If you are particularly sensitive, every pillar of a home that collapses brings a corresponding collapse within your own heart. A heart that grieves over a leaf falling from a tree or sheds tears for the death of an ant can scarcely bear the sight of a family falling apart.

There are many reasons behind the breakdown and collapse of the family. Among the foremost are unchecked desires and self-indulgence. People increasingly want to live exactly as they please, pursuing whatever desires they choose. This mentality inevitably finds its way into family life as well. Marriages are often built primarily upon feelings and passions. Because emotional attachment takes precedence, reason is pushed into the background and sound judgment loses its influence. As a result, the mutual rights and responsibilities of marriage are not given the consideration they deserve. People fail to appreciate the weight of the responsibilities they are assuming and often do not fully understand what they are saying “yes” to when they marry.

At the same time, faith in the Hereafter, a sense of accountability before God, and the moral discipline nurtured by taqwa (God-consciousness) are exerting less and less influence over people’s attitudes and behavior. Homes that are not built upon firm foundations from the very beginning cannot provide the peace and security that people seek.

Preparing the Mind and Heart for Marriage

Marriages entered into without sufficient thought or without adequate material and emotional preparation often fail to bring peace and fulfillment to the couple. In reality, such unions can scarcely be regarded as marriages in the fullest sense, just as the place where the couple lives together does not truly become a home.

For this reason, those preparing for marriage should first prepare both their minds and their hearts. They should attain the maturity required to sustain a lifelong marriage—becoming, so to speak, truly “of age” for marriage. They should understand the meaning and purpose of marriage, appreciate the distinct nature of the opposite sex, learn the respective responsibilities of husband and wife within the home, and refrain from encroaching upon one another’s rightful spheres of responsibility.

Those who embark on the journey of spending an entire lifetime together should be prepared from the very beginning to be patient with one another and to keep negative emotions under control. They should also prepare themselves to resolve disagreements through teâtî-i efkâr—the mutual exchange of ideas—while treating one another with respect, kindness, and genuine warmth. All of these qualities require education and conscious preparation.

If couples have not received such preparation before marriage, and have not equipped themselves for married life, the home they establish may not endure. It may collapse in the face of life’s inevitable storms. In such households, arguments become a daily occurrence. One spouse says something, the other immediately responds, each trying to have the last word. Gradually, tensions intensify until they become almost impossible to resolve.

Nor can a society remain strong for long when the pillars that uphold family life begin to crack and the columns supporting marriage start to crumble. One of the major reasons the Ottoman Empire endured for centuries was the strength of its family structure. Strong families, marked by mutual support and solidarity among their members, nurtured disciplined individuals of sound character and strong moral values. By contrast, it is exceedingly difficult to raise emotionally healthy, resilient, and morally grounded individuals in a home where conflict and friction are constant.

The principles articulated by the Messenger of God (peace and blessings be upon him) in his Farewell Sermon constitute vital foundations for the survival and continuity of society. He unequivocally prohibited usury, abolished blood feuds, warned his community against oppression, commanded that trusts be entrusted to those qualified to bear them, emphasized the sanctity of life and property, and rejected all claims of superiority based on lineage or race. Alongside these principles, he gave particular emphasis to the mutual rights and responsibilities of husband and wife, reminding believers that women are a trust entrusted by God to their husbands.[1] Together, these principles constitute the essential foundations upon which a healthy society rests. Social breakdown often begins when these fundamental values are weakened or neglected.

For this reason, no amount of grief over the breakdown of the family, nor any effort made to prevent it, can be considered excessive. Unfortunately, however, it cannot be said that we have fully recognized the seriousness of the problems facing the family or that we have exerted the necessary effort to prevent its disintegration. We have not devoted sufficient attention to developing a coherent philosophy of the family or clearly articulating the principles upon which it should be founded. Schools have generally failed to offer courses that explain the meaning, purpose, and significance of family life. Likewise, there has been an insufficient body of serious work addressing marriage, family life, and child-rearing. Nor has this issue received the sustained attention it deserves through symposiums, conferences, or public forums. Those preparing for marriage have rarely been provided with specialized education to equip them for this lifelong commitment. God willing, these shortcomings will be remedied in the world of the future.

Premarital Education

People who enter a profession through formal education are often required to attend additional courses and professional development programs throughout their careers in order to continue developing their knowledge and skills. Likewise, important positions of responsibility should not be entrusted to individuals who lack the necessary qualifications and experience. Every responsibility requires a certain level of competence, and not everyone is prepared to carry it.

Marriage is no different. Two people who establish a home also undertake significant responsibilities and obligations. Can it really be considered acceptable that people who receive education and ongoing training for their professions remain largely unprepared for the institution of the family, which forms the very foundation of society? How can we entrust a home to individuals who have never even read a single book—or attended even one seminar—on the mutual rights and responsibilities of spouses or on raising children as morally grounded and emotionally healthy individuals?

Unlike human beings, other living creatures require no education in this regard. From the moment they enter the world, they instinctively know what to do. Through Divine guidance, they build their nests and continue their species. What they need has been implanted into their very nature by God. Human beings, however, are different. As the honored Bediuzzaman states, the human being is one who “attains perfection through learning.”[2] In other words, human capacities develop and potential is realized only through education, training, and disciplined instruction. If people require education even to meet the simplest needs of daily life, it is exceedingly difficult to expect them to establish a peaceful and enduring family without serious preparation for something as complex and demanding as marriage.

Personally, if it were within my authority, I would require everyone intending to marry to obtain, if not a diploma, then at least a certificate demonstrating that they had completed premarital education. From the standpoint of maslahat al-mursalah (promoting the public interest), I would regard such a requirement as entirely justified. I would ensure that prospective spouses completed a thorough educational program before marriage and reached the maturity necessary to undertake this lifelong commitment.

I would not permit someone to marry who has not yet come to know themselves, who does not understand the nature of the opposite sex, who has little understanding of what marriage truly entails, or who lacks adequate preparation for raising children. Today, neither schools, nor society, nor even many families provide people with sufficient guidance in these areas. On the contrary, they often present negative examples. The media may portray divorce as a sign of courage or personal liberation, while television series and films steadily erode the fundamental values that sustain family life. The family is under threat from many different directions.

In such an environment, where are young people preparing for marriage supposed to learn about life, human nature, the principles of sound social governance, a sense of responsibility, their rights and duties, and the essential foundations upon which a healthy family is built?

We may not be able to make our voices heard by everyone, nor persuade everyone to listen. Nevertheless, we can begin with those who know us, trust us, and value our advice. At the very least, we can guide friends who are willing to listen by offering counsel in these important areas. In doing so, we may help them build marriages founded upon mutual support, cooperation, peace, and trust. If we can establish positive examples within our own sphere of influence, their impact may gradually spread throughout society. Who knows? Perhaps one day public authorities will also recognize the importance of this issue, and educational institutions, municipalities, and religious organizations will take a more active role in preparing young people for marriage and family life.

The Family as a Trust and Society’s Responsibility

Every believer who possesses a sense of responsibility should regard the well-being of the family as a personal obligation and do everything within their power to protect it. Those who possess knowledge and experience in this area, in particular, should assist couples facing marital difficulties. Families within one’s community should be visited whenever appropriate, their concerns listened to with care, and sincere efforts made to find constructive solutions. Beneficial books should be recommended, practical guidance should be offered, and, when necessary, professional counseling and expert assistance should be sought. Every effort should be made to repair the cracks that begin to appear within the family before they widen into irreparable fractures.

The Qur’an’s recommendation that arbiters be appointed to help resolve marital disputes[3] also demonstrates that safeguarding the family is a collective social responsibility. Today, when serious conflict arises between spouses, the matter is often taken straight to court, where judges, acting within the framework of the law, frequently end up issuing divorce rulings. By the very nature of their role, however, judges cannot provide personal guidance, offer moral counsel, or address the emotional and spiritual dimensions of a couple’s relationship.

This is where the role of wise and trusted arbiters can prove invaluable. Rather than approaching marital disputes solely through rigid legal procedures, they can deal with them compassionately, much like a skilled physician treating a patient. By listening carefully to both sides and considering the broader circumstances, they may help resolve problems from a more comprehensive and humane perspective. At the same time, it should be acknowledged that implementing such a system presents its own practical challenges under today’s social and legal conditions.

To establish healthy families and to heal those already experiencing difficulties, we must also draw upon the spiritual discipline fostered by taqwa (God-consciousness) and the life-ordering guidance provided by religion. As mentioned earlier, every attitude and action within the family is connected to our relationship with God and carries consequences that extend into the Hereafter.

For this reason, those who honor the rights of their spouses and cultivate peaceful family relationships should be reminded of the glad tidings promised by religion. At the same time, those who violate the rights of others should be reminded of the serious accountability they will face in the Hereafter. If only we could organize our lives with the Hereafter constantly in view, keep alive within our hearts the awareness that we will one day stand before God to give account, and remain within the bounds of taqwa, our homes would, to a great extent, become like gardens of Paradise.

References

[1] Muslim, Hajj, 147; Abū Dāwūd, Manāsik, 55; Ibn Mājah, Manāsik, 84.

[2] Bediuzzaman S. Nursi, The Words, p. 336 (The Twenty-Third Word, First Discussion, Fourth Point).

[3] Qur’an, Sūrat al-Nisā’ (4:35).